You Don’t Have to Give Your Child a Smartphone

Who is most responsible for the mental health crisis among American teenagers stemming from their use of smartphones and social media platforms? This week, I listened to a podcast where a group of journalists debated the question of who was most liable: social media executives or the government? Reports suggest that Congress is currently working on legislation to regulate social media companies. However, it’s clear that many members of Congress believe social media companies should have been self-regulating from the beginning.

It’s becoming increasingly undeniable that some connection exists between low mental health and digital media usage among teenagers. Recent studies suggest alarming increases in poor mental health outcomes among adolescents who use social media for more than three hours per day. Different theories seek to explain this relationship. Some researchers point to the isolating nature of social media use. An hour spent on your smartphone is an hour not spent having real interactions with other human beings. Others point to cyber-bullying and the way social media fosters destructive thought patterns of self-comparison and the fear of missing out.

In all these debates, however, one factor seems to be strangely missing from the conversation. Where are the parents? Aren’t parents primarily the ones responsible for regulating their own child’s use of digital media? What does it say about a culture when the responsibility of parents seems to be an afterthought in a debate about the private habits of American children?

I’m a father of five teenagers. I know firsthand the complex social pressures involved in raising children in the digital age. Many times, we’ve had to guide our children through the age-old crisis of what to do when everyone else gets to do something you don’t get to do. I’m not suggesting it’s ever easy. But at no point have we ever questioned our absolute, God-granted authority to make decisions for our children based on what we believe is best for them. When we face the choice between disappointing our children or knowingly risking their well-being, it’s not really a debate.

In his profound book on leadership, A Failure of Nerve, Edwin H. Friedman argued that the greatest threat facing American institutions—the family being foundational—has nothing to do with technique and everything to do with lack of moral courage. He wrote, “The more immediate threat to the regeneration—and perhaps even the survival—of American civilization is internal, not external. It is our tendency to adapt to its immaturity.” To apply his insights to the current topic, digital media isn’t the greatest threat facing your children. Your unwillingness to displease your children is far more dangerous. What good is it to give our children the whole world if it means sacrificing their souls in the process?

When I was a child, we had to go out of our way to find trouble. I’ll never forget stumbling upon a stash of dirty magazines and a cooler full of wine coolers in the woods adjacent to my house one summer day. Wisdom would have let sleeping serpents lie. I wasn’t wise. Today, however, we invite the serpents into our children’s bedrooms where they sleep. Far worse things than what I stumbled upon in those magazines is just a few clicks away from our children on their iPhone screens. Do we really trust them to leave it unexplored? Would you have?

Parents exist to moderate the freedom their children get to enjoy based upon the maturity level of their children at any given age. We have roughly eighteen years to get them ready for full adulthood when they will make all their own choices. It’s not hard to see that children are not physically, emotionally, or spiritually ready for the freedom afforded by unregulated access to a smartphone.

We have made many mistakes along the way in seeking to guide our family in these areas. However, over time, we’ve settled on a few rules that work well for us. Our children are not allowed to have their own phones until high school. Once they’ve gained our trust enough to get their own phone, they still do not get absolute freedom. They are not allowed to have internet browsers on their phones, nor are they allowed to download or delete apps. We have all the passcodes, and if they want to look up something or download a new app, they must come to us. They are not allowed to have social media accounts until we believe they are ready. Even then, we decide which platforms they can join. They are not allowed, under any circumstances, to take their phones upstairs to their bedrooms. At night, all phones go to a charging station in our kitchen. Finally, we try our best to schedule “no phone” times as a family.

Parents, whatever you decide to do, please remember that you’re most responsible for what your child does on his or her iPhone.