The Golden Rule for Hard Conversations
Sometimes I wrestle with the dilemma of whether a difficult conversation is warranted. For example, consider parenting teenagers. I have five of them. I’m reminded daily that all five of them have unique strengths and distinctive weaknesses. By the grace of God, all five of them follow Jesus, but they are all growing in different areas and depending on Christ to overcome various weaknesses at any given time. Until they leave the oversight of my home, I am responsible for leading them through this process of growth, which means deciding when a difficult conversation is warranted.
It’s tricky because, on the one hand, I take my God-given responsibility as a father seriously, but, on the other hand, I don’t want to be nitpicky and overscrupulous in pointing out every shortfall. I need to give them room to figure some things out on their own.
The question of when or how to have hard conversations is one that requires wisdom. As believers in Christ, we are commanded to get involved when we see a brother or sister wondering from the truth (Galatians 6:1-2; Matthew 18:15; Ephesians 4:25). The Proverbs remind us that “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (25:11). “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:5-6).
We recognize even in those instructions that we are responsible for making sure our rebuke is “a word fitly spoken,” meaning appropriate. I’m sure we’ve all seen the harm in overzealousness in this area. Some folks seem too eager to obey such commands and look for the tiniest cracks in someone else’s character. However, far more common is hesitancy to speak at all. It’s not really our business, we reason. Who wants to risk making someone angry at us?
I’ve thought long and hard on these questions at various points in my life and ministry. Being around teenagers, I sometimes must weigh the tough question of when it’s appropriate to call another parent with information about their child. Leading ministry in the church, the pastoral team consistently weighs when something calls for confrontation versus when something will probably take care of itself in the Holy Spirit’s normal work through the means of grace in the church’s ministry. There’s a difference between immaturity in a growing Christian and open rebellion to God, but it’s not always easy to discern which is which.
I have discovered much help in these questions in what is commonly called Jesus’s “Golden Rule”: “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12). It’s a more memorable way of saying what Jesus affirms later in Matthew’s gospel: that the two commandments to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself sum up “all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37-40). We see the pattern even in the Ten Commandments, for the first few commandments target our obligations to God and the last half specifies our responsibilities toward other people. God calls his children to image him by extending his divine love to our neighbors.
How does this help us determine when a hard conversation is necessary? Consider how flexible the “Golden Rule” is. The simple principle can be applied to virtually any human situation. Should I let this car out in bumper-to-bumper traffic? Should I help this elderly lady put her heavy groceries in the car? Should I let the mom with a screaming toddler cut in front of me in the Target line? Should I pick up my dog’s poop from my neighbor’s yard? Quick meditation on the Rule easily answers all these questions. Of course, I would want someone to do all that for me!
Now consider calling a parent to report something that’s come to your attention about their child. Would you want that parent to call you if your child was in a similar predicament? Most likely, your child is going to do something at some point, too. Don’t you want to know so that you can help him grow in that area? On the other hand, would you roll your eyes if someone called to report a minor offense about your kid? It’s probably best to leave that phone call unmade.
Consider the hard conversation at church. Perhaps you’ve noticed a dangerous pattern in a fellow church member. Unfortunately, we’re often more comfortable sharing it with a third party than initiating a direct conversation with the offender. However, what if we’re wrong? What if we’ve misinterpreted the whole thing? Now ask yourself, what would you want if you were that person? The Golden Rule helps us wisely discern when the difficult conversation is necessary.
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