A Lesson in Wisely Rebuking

Have you ever been rebuked by a stranger? In college, a group of my friends were walking into Walmart together when a man yelled at us from a passing car for parking in a handicap spot. He saw four healthy young men who selfishly stole a spot from someone who would genuinely need it. He failed to see that one of us—the driver—had just undergone ACL surgery and had a legal permit to park in that spot. The problem with rashly rebuking someone is that you may miss important contextual clues.

In 1 Samuel 25, David faces the gentle rebuke of a woman he’s never met. But unlike the stranger at Walmart, Abigail provides a masterclass in the art of wise rebuke. Whether you are a parent daily interacting with your children or a friend dreading a difficult conversation, we can learn a lot from this wise woman. But first, here’s the context.

David has just been insulted by Abigail’s moronic husband, Nabal. David’s men had earlier protected Nabal’s shepherds, and David reasonably asks rich Nabal to share some supplies for his men from his abundance. In response, Nabal refuses, personally insulting David for even asking. In response, David raises an army of 400 men to attack Nabal in what will certainly be a revenge killing. David is about to murder Nabal and his men in unrighteous anger.

Abigail, “discerning and beautiful” (v. 3), gets wind of what is happening and quickly puts together a plan to prevent David from destroying her husband and everything that belongs to him. She sends gifts to David on the backs of donkeys before arriving personally and bowing down at his feet. Face to face with David and his army, she boldly confronts David as he stands in front of his army of 400 armed men. David hears her words and repents of his sin. How did she do it? What can we learn from this wise woman?

Come with gentle humility. I often counsel married couples to wait until emotions cool down to bring up a disagreement. So often, our emotions overpower our ability to calmly reason about the source of our conflicts. Have you ever participated in a lengthy argument only to later forget what initially caused it? When our emotions lead, the desire to win often takes precedence over the desire to reconcile. When we’re committed to winning, we will resist taking responsibility for our wrongs.

Abigail approaches David with gifts, bows down to him in humility, and chooses words carefully to show him deference. I’m convinced that her gentle humility gained David’s ear. It’s hard to remain angry in the face of such kindness. When you want someone to listen to your words, its best to remove unnecessary causes of offence. Your tone of voice matters.

Study the situation carefully. Somehow Abigail found out who David was before she approached him. She must have learned that David was “a man after God’s own heart” and that God had appointed David “prince over Israel” (v. 30). This information clearly shaped her strategy, for she chooses words that assume David cares about God and doesn’t want to sin against him.

The angry man in the Walmart parking lot spoke before he knew the situation. I’ve done the same thing many times. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve laid into one of my teenagers about something only to have my wife add vital details that would have completely changed my approach. We want people to consider our context when interpreting our behavior, but we rarely afford that courtesy to others. We need to “do unto others as we would have them do unto us.”

Use biblical language. Here’s the key to the whole interaction. Abigail names David’s sin using covenantal language—a move which causes him to see what he’s about to do in a completely different light. She boldly tells David that he is about to commit “bloodguilt” (Mosaic language that describes murder) and that he is “saving with [his] own hand” (v. 26)—language that identifies him with unfaithful Saul. In other words, Abigail makes it plain to David that he is sinning against God. She uses biblical language to remind David that the matter isn’t merely between he and Nabal; it’s an issue between he and God.

We live in an age in which the church often adopts the secular language of the culture. We speak in terms of “trauma” and name behavior patterns by relying on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Often, we neglect the biblical categories of sin and grace, suffering and perseverance, sanctification and repentance. However, as much as therapeutic categories may assist us in understanding certain aspects of human behavior, we must never allow those categories to supplant covenantal language. Our language must reflect human accountability before God. In attempting to facilitate recognition of sin, it’s vital that we choose language that points us to God.

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